Where do I go from here?

Another month, another rejection. This one is harder to take. This spot seemed to be a perfect fit, the interview went well and I came away thinking there's really nothing I could have done that I did not. So I guess I can take away that this position was not in God's plan. But past that.....

I feel I am aimlessly wandering through life right now. I view my life as being in a dark field looking for something; however I don't really have a good description of what it is or what it looks like, so it's almost as if I'm chasing the wind.

Now I do not desire to just whine or complain about life, to sit here and appear to be seeking sympathy. But I do desire to speak honestly about what is happening in my life and the past few months frankly have not been very positive both in the job search and more importantly in many ways outside of it. I cannot find my identity. Now don’t misinterpret that. I understand my core identity as a child of God, believing that I was made for a purpose. No, this search is for how and where I fit into the overall purpose with my specific personality and life. Maybe this is common for young people but it is taking its toll on me.

I am honestly not sure what I was attempting to progress toward in my college education the past few years but this lack of direction, passion, and discernable skill is bad and has begun to keep me up at night. This may just be the worst period of my life to date.

A prison without bars

I read an article last week with a line that really stood out. “Twentysomethings are at the difficult transition between allowing life to happen and learning to take charge of life.”

Last night I watched the movie Life as a House. Good movie, one that makes you think about your own life, the experiences you have, and even causes you to question where you're going. After it was over I went to bed and after some prayer a thought, or analogy I suppose, became clear to me. As the article quote describes it seems my life for the past 22 years has more often than not just happened. It's as if my life has always been a series of frameworks, no actual homes just the frames. My responsibility was to fill in the blanks so to speak. The frames were always there, elementary school, junior high, sports, church, high school, college, campus ministry, etc. I just had to work with what was presented to me and create a house. But now there are no frameworks. I'm sitting on an empty plot of land where a house normally sits, where the possibilities for construction are almost limitless. I could build a house with two stories, with a balcony, garage, or so many other things. And yet here I sit, in the grass right in the middle of the plot completely clueless as to what to do or where to start. Some days I'll start to dig a hole here or there, maybe start to draw out an idea, possibly even get some actual wood placed in the form of a frame, but everytime those "projects" come to an involuntary dead-end very soon after beginning. Almost everytime I talk to someone about taking the next step after college the conversation eventually comes to a point where we realize there are endless opportunities, almost complete freedom to do whatever one chooses. And this is true. I'm on this plot of land with seemlingly endless opportunity to build, construct, and create something great, a situation the majority of people would relish, would embrace and run with. But yet here I am looking at this plot of land as one of the most excrutiating prisons I could ever envision myself in.

Something seems very off.....

I moved to Kansas City this past week. In doing so I left the place I called "home" for the past 3 years and many of the closest friends I've ever had. It's weird because the whole reason for moving was to find a job. You graduate college and then find a job, that's what you do or so I've been told, that's why I was supposed to be in college I guess. But funny enough, all of the good times and learning experiences I had in those 4 years were almost completely separate from my classes and majors. And now I've come to the end of that season and have to adjust to a new environment, almost solely because I'm no longer a student and have to get a "real" job. Frustratingly, I've come up empty in the past month-plus of searching.

My last post was made over two months ago and sadly most of what is in it is still true. It's crazy, over the past few days I've thought about this whole situation of moving and job searching and you know what? It sucks. Searching for a job when you don't know what you're looking for is not a good course of action. Majoring in areas that don't really interest you is a bad idea. Daily I'm faced with the very real possibility that I will have to settle for something I don't enjoy. I know the immediate reaction is to ask where God is in all of this. How has He been guiding me or what has He been revealing to me. I don't have an answer. Something really seems off because after consistent reflection and thought I am still virtually clueless. That shouldn't happen but yet here I am.

Now I'm sitting in a new "home" with no job and very little idea of what I actually want to do, asking myself questions that have plagued my life for over 4 years. However, the difference now is I can't put them off any longer. I used to think I would just work on two broad degrees and experience college and in that process discover opportunities or find out what interests me. Well, that never really happened. And now I can't just store these questions up and hope that some revelation happens. Nope, they have to be faced and at the moment I've got nothing, which is not good when decisions have to be made.

Questions I have no answers for.

I just finished watching Into the Wild. I highly recommend it. Very good movie about a guy fresh off college graduation wondering what is next but not excited about the status quo. I can relate to this.

I started this blog over a month ago and this is my first real post. The title alone gives the idea that my life is undergoing a big change in some way. Well, in a month I'll be in much the situation this guy found himself in, college degree in hand and no idea about the next step. Now I don't see a cross country trip in my future or many of the other things he encounters but I do see a decision about where the next chapter of my life will be written. The what, where, when, and how all unclear at this point. I have a battle going on inside between the thought of transitioning right into the business world, with its cubicles, 9-5 days, and whatnot and another thought, much less defined, I really can't even put it into words, but the best description would be.......definitely not the first thought.

I'm finishing up two college degrees. That sounds great and ambitious, the only problem is the subjects themselves don't really motivate me. For the last year, almost every first encounter with someone has included questions about these things. What are you studying? What's your major? Oh, you're graduating, what are you going to do then? Answer to this one: not sure yet, trying to figure it out. Ok, well, what do you want to do? Answer to this one: awkward pause.......same answer.

I'm 22 years old. I don't have the answers to those questions. What should one do with a college education he does not desire to directly use? What jobs do you even search out? What type of jobs or goals do you even tell someone you're looking for?

I have a love/hate relationships with all of this. The vast amount of possibilities is invigorating, yet, also one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. Maybe I'll be found in a 9-5 cubicle in a few months or maybe I'll truly find what I want to do.

All of this is hard to write out. I have no answers and only few certainties with which to structure my words. But this is where my life is at currently and one of those certainties is that I'm about to face a world in many ways unlike the life I'm living this moment. And while that is scary, maybe it is the exact setting needed for the next chapter.

The post one month in the making.

I created this blog about one month ago and finally today, I "publish" my first post. That's all I've got for today.